hello beautiful. somewhere beyond the distant stars did you ever see me in those faded memories there’s something surrounding me and you and all the in betweens maybe simplicity maybe it’s the everything that we could never understand the things I’ve dreamed for you still shaking from these hands here we are trapped in the infinite beginning all over again I never learned to apologize; I could never look into your eyes just throwing wishes into skies of wasted nights turning into years again trembling in my fears I’m growing older with you the beautiful universe of you in me somehow makes me stronger; While wandering through our flowered minds please consider me in the moments of time when I tried not to stumble in all the things I’ve learned lost in stale pictures I’ve chosen to burn I remember your smile some petty photograph so hard to define or pretend it’s just another thing that’s easy to hide behind thoughts that are broken yet sometimes collide in my collection of things you taught me with what I’ve never learned lingering before me in the wind and the trees…
A friend of mine has been dating the craziest of crazy girls for years. They break up and get back together. She rips him apart but he still comes back. He even thinks it’s something he should be doing differently. He openly admits that guys are attracted to “crazy girls.”
This might just be a general statement, but it has got me thinking. What really attracts people to each other? Is it a need to fix something? Is it a desire to make someone else love you, to fill a hole you have in yourself? Is it the feeling you get when you are around someone, the way they make you feel about yourself? Or is it a genuine desire to not know what is next, to put your trust into someone that is totally unpredictable?
This question bothers and intrigues me because I have such a small amount of crazy in me. I am literal, predictable, purposeful, and probably a little bit boring. This is why most of my friends are guys, because I can relate better to their sensibilities.
I could digress here for countless paragraphs about the crazy girls in my life who’ve attempted to turn my life upside down. The truth about the majority of them is that things come pretty easily for me. Things that other girls seem to work very hard on, come naturally to me. I am comfortable and confident in my own skin. I convey an effortlessness that makes me aloof and cool. This is something every girl tries very hard to convey to the world. This is where the games and the calculating and the manipulation come into play. This is where girls of a lower caliber and a penchant for malicious jealousy can get furious without even realizing it. Now that I’m older, and not very much wiser, I prefer to surround myself with girls that are confident and don’t fuck around. Why don’t men do the same? Why can’t men do the same?
One of the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful men I’ve ever met told me this week that he worries that someone will fall in love with him based on how he makes them feel about themselves. That he will be the sole provider of his partner’s self esteem. And that they won’t love him for him, but love him selfishly. That’s a lot for one person to bare, and a lot for one person to bestow upon another. I’ve been in relationships where your partner is your everything. Your lover. Your best friend. Your confidant. Your only respite. I think that’s too much for one person to be responsible for. How can one person be your everything, your whole world, without the constant responsibility forcing them to resent you.
Contrarily, I believe that your partner should think you are better than you think you are. They should make you strong when you are weak. They should tell you you’re beautiful when you feel fat and ugly. They should hold you in their arms and comfort you when you are sad. Not because they have to, or because they need to make you feel better. But because they believe it to be true.
So, now the question arises. How can I love someone completely without losing myself? How do I maintain my own self worth, while supporting someone else’s? Will I ever have the feeling like I am enough for someone else to be happy? Is there a love that can last forever? If so, will I be able to know it if I see it? There are too many questions that I fear I’ll never have the answers to.