July 23

I took a very long, very contemplative hike/run/walk along the trails by my new apartment. It was a beautiful day and I had to stop several times to snap pictures. Too bad I didn’t have my big camera with me, but the old iPhone captured some cool images.

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What really attracts people to each other?

A friend of mine has been dating the craziest of crazy girls for years.  They break up and get back together.  She rips him apart but he still comes back.  He even thinks it’s something he should be doing differently.  He openly admits that guys are attracted to “crazy girls.”

This might just be a general statement, but it has got me thinking.  What really attracts people to each other?  Is it a need to fix something?  Is it a desire to make someone else love you, to fill a hole you have in yourself?  Is it the feeling you get when you are around someone, the way they make you feel about yourself?  Or is it a genuine desire to not know what is next, to put your trust into someone that is totally unpredictable?

This question bothers and intrigues me because I have such a small amount of crazy in me.  I am literal, predictable, purposeful, and probably a little bit boring.  This is why most of my friends are guys, because I can relate better to their sensibilities.

I could digress here for countless paragraphs about the crazy girls in my life who’ve attempted to turn my life upside down.  The truth about the majority of them is that things come pretty easily for me.  Things that other girls seem to work very hard on, come naturally to me.  I am comfortable and confident in my own skin.  I convey an effortlessness that makes me aloof and cool.  This is something every girl tries very hard to convey to the world.  This is where the games and the calculating and the manipulation come into play.  This is where girls of a lower caliber and a penchant for malicious jealousy can get furious without even realizing it.  Now that I’m older, and not very much wiser, I prefer to surround myself with girls that are confident and don’t fuck around.  Why don’t men do the same?  Why can’t men do the same?

One of the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful men I’ve ever met told me this week that he worries that someone will fall in love with him based on how he makes them feel about themselves.  That he will be the sole provider of his partner’s self esteem.  And that they won’t love him for him, but love him selfishly.  That’s a lot for one person to bare, and a lot for one person to bestow upon another.  I’ve been in relationships where your partner is your everything.  Your lover.  Your best friend.  Your confidant.  Your only respite.  I think that’s too much for one person to be responsible for.  How can one person be your everything, your whole world, without the constant responsibility forcing them to resent you.

Contrarily, I believe that your partner should think you are better than you think you are.  They should make you strong when you are weak.  They should tell you you’re beautiful when you feel fat and ugly.  They should hold you in their arms and comfort you when you are sad.  Not because they have to, or because they need to make you feel better.  But because they believe it to be true.

So, now the question arises.  How can I love someone completely without losing myself?  How do I maintain my own self worth, while supporting someone else’s?  Will I ever have the feeling like I am enough for someone else to be happy?  Is there a love that can last forever?  If so, will I be able to know it if I see it?  There are too many questions that I fear I’ll never have the answers to.

July 19

Anyone who has seen my car in the past 5 months knows that it’s been held together with tape.  My side skirt started to come apart and after a few days was dragging on the ground.  The dealership said it would cost $350 to replace it.  Ugh!  So, instead of fixing it, I taped it.  And then the heat made the tape slip.  So I re-taped it.  A couple times.  And the sticky tape residue made a huge mess along the majority of the passenger side.

A friend fixed it today with just $3.00 in supplies from Home Depot.  And cleaned off all the tape gunk.  It looks beautiful and I have a rejuvenated interest in my auto.

Check it out!  Sparkly!

July 17

I’ve been at the same job for almost 6 years and have rocked the same dress code for that entire time.  Half of my wardrobe is black pants, white collared shirts, and black sweaters and tops.  I’ve worn the same thing 5 days a week for an incredibly long time.  That all changes next week.  No more black pants.  No more black sweaters.  No more black shoes.  No more black anything.  In one week, I will probably not even think about wearing the clothing that currently takes up half my closet.  So, to celebrate the last week of black and white, I’m taking a picture every day before I head off to work.  Here’s the one from today!  I’m so excited!!